So last January 2016, I finally switched doctors and was
able to have my pain med dosage reduced.
A month later (for financial reasons) I went cold turkey and discovered
new realms of extreme physical and mental discomfort. I went on temporary disability from work and settled
in for the mental and emotional repercussions.
OK I think many of you know that mental issues have
always been one of my greatest fears.
Seriously, genetics alone has me screwed royally from both sides; consider
my less than traditional childhood and face it I’ve always been just one trauma
away from the jacket that fastens in the back.
This is the most scared I’ve ever been in my life. It was grim.
From February until mid July I woke up daily between 1and
2 AM with my heart racing, gasping for breath, in the grip of a severe anxiety
attack. My whole body would tremble and
nausea would wash over me in waves. I’d
lay there shaking, gagging and dry heaving for hours. It was usually over by around lunch time but
would hit again randomly throughout the day.
I also experienced anxiety leaving the house, checking
the mail, interaction with anyone not immediate family, answering the phone,
opening my computer…. anxiety and a weird fear/avoidance/physical aversion to
those mundane chores of life.
Some of you may be finding this hard to picture,
right? Especially those of you whom I
‘picked up’, ‘stalked’ ‘adopted’…. from various locations around the world. Suddenly and inexplicitly you were somehow in
my heart, my family and have been stuck with me ever since; OZ, UK, COZ you all
know who you are!
You guys wouldn’t have recognized me, I didn’t recognize
myself. I was a trembling, anxious,
apologetic shell of who I used to be. It
felt like I’d lost every single thing that made me who I was. I had become so timid, I felt undeserving of
… well basically everything. Those four
long years of illness I forced cheerfulness, obsessively remained positive…
guess I drained all my reserves and suddenly there was nothing left.
This is why I went hermit. I felt I had no other option. I went offline, off the grid and I’m (for
the most part) blissfully ignorant of events outside my daily routine, my kids
and grand-kids. I’m doing much better now
and will ramble on about that another time.
Peace Out.
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