“Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life”

Sunday, July 1, 2012

That's why they call detox "Kicking It"


I wanted to share this recent incident with the few people I feel do love and care for me as an email, but now thinking a blog entry is more appropriate.

I’ve been on Hydrocodon for almost two years for back pain.  I’ve been on Norco (a stronger version) since my Fibro diagnosis in December 2011.  In the past 7 months I’ve been on and off a variety of pharmaceuticals and pain medications.

We had quite a scare back in March when the Cymbalta caused a mental break that almost landed me in the psych ward.  I have a very delicately balanced chemical make-up apparently and the smallest change can throw me into a tailspin.  From then on, I wanted to only take the pain medication – Norco.  It helped the pain and I felt no mental consequences.

Recently as the pain seemed to intensify I began taking more than the three a day that I was allowed.  The doctor wanted to put me on another, stronger, longer lasting pain med.  I’d already tried and rejected Oxycontin – the addiction was swift and horrifying.

I refused to consider the next option up the pain meds ladder, MS Contin as its Morphine!  UGH!  So a power struggle between my doctor and I.  Unfortunately, I was in no position to make a stand, as the doctor controls the meds.  Like bringing my wits to a gun-fight~ 

Beginning Thursday morning, I entered into a nightmare state called detox, or withdrawals.  I came off ‘meth’ in the 80’s and thought that was bad.  It was a picnic compared to the agony of this.  Opiate withdrawals, in the same chemical family as heroin, so it’s my understanding the withdrawal symptoms are quite similar.  Also, in my case I had the mental/emotional aspect making everything that much worse. 

Many of you know I’ve dealt with depression for many years due to some serious childhood traumas and heredity (genes.)  I’ve always been very firm and negative on the idea of suicide, having grown up with my mother’s constant attempts and threats.  I’d never consider it.  During this detox misery however, several times it seemed like a valid and acceptable response to end the pain.  That’s how bad it was.

Amber my beautiful brilliant daughter has been by my side through this whole big mess – while also caring for an infant!  I feel more guilt than I can ever expunge, for having her deal with this, because I felt there was nobody else.

I finally slept some last night for the first time in 4 days, woke up feeling weak, head-achy and insubstantial, like I was barely here.  My skin is still feeling raw and tender, not to mention the standard Fribro pain…but the body-wide twitches and jerks are mostly gone so that’s a huge relief.  My body is now basically free of any external chemicals, so I should begin feeling back to my normal any day now.  Once again I’ve made it out the other side, and without being tossed into a rubber room.

I’m not preaching here about the evils of drugs, absolutely not looking for pity; Just saying it happened, somehow I survived and now must find a way to move forward to live a happy, productive life; this is going to require a big change and maybe more bravery than I have.  I’m feeling scared and incapable right now but I’m sure that will pass.  I need to find my joy again.   

I’m embarking more completely on a holistic approach to my whole self health. Don’t worry, I’ll not be sporting Birkenstocks or chanting to a crystal in my belly button.  I’m going to step up the vitamins and healthy eating as well as see an acupuncturist often.   I even signed back up for yet more therapy (UGH) but as Amber pointed out – my mental state is a big part of everything that happens to me, usually making it worse!

I’ve never been good at asking for help… still makes me burn with shame for some reason, but I’m going to need help.  Just saying and sharing it here will help me overcome my irrational shame. 

Peace and Love - Stacy

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